If you’ve read a mainstream opinion page in the past six months, you will have encountered the word ‘doomism’.
While it seems to be doubling down on the 2022 word of the year, ‘goblin mode’, doomism offers none of the comfort and security that flows from slurping instant noodles on the lounge in your tracky dacks. Instead, doomists believe that humanity has lost the climate battle. Hello Hopeless, my old friend.
With polar caps melting, Europe in flames and Rupert Murdoch still refusing to join the choir invisible, this sense of unmitigated dread is understandable.
So, is this end? Well, not if futurologists, marketers and desperate podcasters have anything to do with it. Here’s a quick peek at the ‘isms’ that are set to follow doomism.
Shroomism
When our impending reality is unrelentingly bleak, some suggest we just need to change our perception of it. In other words, get fucked up, stay fucked up. Simples. After all, magic mushrooms will distort your world as profoundly as LinkedIn, Crypto and Is It Cake?
Groomism
Ignore the impending Armageddon by focusing on zhooshing your hair and vajazzling your hoo-ha like there’s no tomorrow. Because, frankly, there may not be one.
Roomism
When it comes to saving the environment, governments and big business just don’t get it. They’re treating us like angsty teenagers, so we may as well behave that way. Pout, sulk, slam doors and lock yourself in the bedroom to listen to The Cure and write diabolically terrible poetry.
Bloomism
Why not follow the lead of Leopold Bloom from Mel Brooks’ The Producers? Leo would always carry a handkerchief-sized fragment of a blue baby blanket in his pocket to hold against his face for comfort during his frequent bouts of ‘hysterics’.
Kaboomism
Fires, droughts, floods, rising sea levels, extinctions and famine have all failed to dent humanity’s insatiable desire to burn the fossil fuels that are destroying our planet. Perhaps we should fight fire with fire. Literally. Hurling tomato soup at Ken Done paintings is always a bit of fun, but setting fire to Wall Street would be a proper work of art. Seriously, what have we got to lose? Kaboom!
Broomism
History tells us that when the going gets tough the tough join a coven and cavort naked in the moonlight, tripping balls on hemlock and eye of newt. There are worse fates.
Vroomism
Favoured by obscenely wealthy, neuro-diverse media magnates, vroomism is all about cheating death by mounting a huge shiny phallus and setting the controls for the heart of the sun.
Va-va-voomism
If the thought of spending the rest of your life playing Battlestar Galactica with Elon Musk and his 37 kids leaves you colder than the dark side of the moon, Va-va-voomism offers more earthly delights. According to legend, when great empires like Rome fell and death was imminent, local people would shed their morals and knickers on masse and meet their fate with a smile on their dial. Va-va-voomism is a provocatively attired frontloading of this concept.
Tombism
Why wait for the inevitable when you could inter yourself right now? Pyramids are always cool and it’s totally acceptable to bury those painful prats from book club with you.
Consumism
This could be the last mango season ever. Get stuck in.