With the cost of living outstripping wages faster than a burlesque dancer in a wind tunnel, millions of Australians are struggling to keep their head above water.
Having one tedious-but-bearable job used to be just about enough to keep the wolf from the door. But nowadays, having a side hustle or three is commonplace.
And every time the economy goes to the dogs, side hustles expand and mutate in new and different ways. So, what kind of extracurricular money-making mongrels has the latest financial downturn delivered?
Sighed hustle
Make peace with the fact you’re powerless against late-stage capitalism’s danse macabre. Assume the fetal position and accept the void. You won’t make a cent, but it’ll be honest work at last.
Snide hustle
Get paid by person A to handcraft a slice of snark they can use against person B. For years, celebrities, royals and politicians have had teams of people crafting burns and barbs for them. Essentially, this hustle is the uberfication of wit. Now anyone with a few dollars can get a zinger worthy of Bill Shorten. You’ll rake it in.
Bride hustle
Marry a lawyer, a brain surgeon or Beyoncé. Thankfully this hustle is now a gender non-specific pursuit open to anyone who needs to put a Ka-Ching on it.
Chide hustle
Provide a telling-off service for employers, parents and couples too squeamish to let their people know they are screwing up. Like other personal services, customers select a level of chiding appropriate to particular indiscretions, with prices to match. This ranges from ‘I’m not upset, just disappointed’, to ‘help me understand why this keeps happening’, all the way to ‘I know you slept with my damn sister, Nathan’. This hustle would be ideal for retired school teachers, ex-journalists and serial divorcees.
Ride hustle
Become a sex worker or join Deliveroo. Either way, you’ll end up with three phones and a sore back.
Plied hustle
Get a casual job at that groovy inner-city bar you used to hang out in after work, back before you became one of the poors. But be aware, as you switch from being the cashed-up cocky in front of the bar to the working stiff behind it, you’ll experience an existential crisis and bouts of self-loathing. Yes, you and the guys from sales really were that appalling.
Fried hustle
Sell psychedelics to tech bros and start-up dudes who want to do micro-dosing, because that’s what the alpha dogs on Succession and Billions do.
Pide hustle
Hit the local growers’ market and loiter by the Turkish pizza stand. Surreptitiously offer greasy-fingered punters a few serviettes at vastly inflated prices. Would also work at Bunnings on the weekend or outside the women’s toilets of any pub and club after 9pm on Fridays.
Implied hustle
Let people think your six non-existent micro-businesses are flourishing, in the hope that someone offers you a proper job.
Tide hustle
Go out, then come back in. Twice every day. It’s just like having two jobs.
Wide hustle
Become a corruptible cricket umpire. Start small at the local park and work your way up. Before you know it, you’ll be the filthy-rich toast of Mumbai and banting it up with all the other baggie greens on Steve Smith’s WhatsApp.